Moments of F@ck: The Surprise

March 2020

In the downstairs storage area of a vintage grocery store is a bucket of soy sauce with a thin towel draped over it to somehow transform this would-be chair into a rocket to obscurity. It is positioned in between two packed shelves of all the trappings of a bustling meat shop. Cleared out on the bottom shelf to the right of my makeshift chair is a space between the paper bags that would become the desk where I would have to gather my mind like a handful of loose skittles bouncing and skittling (yes I’m using skittle as a verb) across the surface.  This would become the setting to news that would drastically shift my mindset like the tectonic plates under L.A. in 1994. When plates shift in your mind they never go back to being the same way.  Or like a smooth shuffling of a deck of cards, but they sprang and dumped on the floor.  

These are moments that define you by your actions thereafter.  “I was so weak I was set into a moment of fuck so I reset my mind.” – David Goggins 

My girlfriend and the person I plan the rest of my life with has been sick. And I was expecting news from the doctor of what was up. While on our way to work she got a phone call from her doctor urgently asking to set an appointment that day for her results in person.

Moment of F@ck #1…

I’m best when under pressure. It’s like I can see vastly more clearly than I did even seconds ago. When she got that phone call we parted ways for the day: she hailing an uber and me to my parking spot. I realized that it’s my role to be the rock here because she is in crisis. 

“Become the individual that refuses to see duties undone. The person that lives like there is no tomorrow because there very well might not be.” – David Goggins

This quote from Mr. Goggins rang in my head. I motivated her to treat today like your last and kick ass at work and take one step at a time. Make this day your bitch was my prevailing attitude. Inside was a different story.

Moment of F@ck #2…

My whole walk into work and throughout my shift until she called me with the news she learned, I was consumed with fear and duty: execute an elegant plan to win this whatever it is. I ran through countless scenarios in my head as I worked that my face resembled the look of doing taxes without a calculator while steaming with anxiety that is fueled by fear and wearing the mask of anger.

I thought of a plan for: •Cancer •Surgery  •Pending Death •Death Altogether. •Auto-Immune •Genetic Complications •Flu 

I had a plan for each one with a rough meal plan, workout schedule, mindfulness practices & anything that can enhance any good chance. Tense and aware, thinking about each thing I’m doing to be able to sprint away for a momentary inevitable phone call.

I had informed my bosses that I may vanish for that phone call. 

Buzz…Buzz…Buzz…Buzz

Moment of F@ck #3…

Here is where the storage area of a meat shop became a deeply impactful setting and the place where I would have to swallow a very large reality pill. I won’t air our dirty laundry but I will explain the one piece of news that railed me.

At the moment of the phone call I was helping a customer. As I felt my pocket buzz like I had stuffed bees in there like tater tots in middle school… buzz… I froze stiff. It probably looked like I was having a seizure. I then waved over my co-worker and sprinted downstairs. I shoved the stack of bags from the desk pocket in the shelf and scooted my bucket up, taking a seat. With one hand on my head and the other stuffing the phone into my skull I hear…

“Hey babe…” states my girlfriend with timid objectiveness in her voice.  “We may be pregnant.”

Like the first small stone turning down a steep cliff gaining speed with it kinetic flow grabbing at more along the way bringing forth a ragging landslide. Thats how it felt… covered. As if a chilling wind washed my back and my head collecting heat like nuclear fusion I was in a type of fight or flight that was in between. All I could do was pause as I heard her choke on the reality….

I measured that I needed to process but that I love her and I am not going anywhere. One thing is to be kept in life is loyalty. As I hung up the phone I realized where I was at work.

Shit! Rang through on a loop in my head until….. “I was so weak I was set into a moment of fuck so I reset my mind.” – David Goggins 

This quote sprang up like a landmine in the brush but in its explosion was something to grab onto. I felt like I was sinking in quick sand and finally found a branch to pull myself from it. I needed to reset my mind and go to work for 2 more hours. I can do this: become a robot, do the work, and vanish to piece together what felt like shattered plans.

This moment will become one of the best moments of my life….

Here is what I learned. No one is special but we can aspire and work to become Uncommon. The idea of pregnancy scared me because Im not the man I know I can be. Not the person I wish to become. Wishing to become someone is bullshit. Goals are amazing but if you can’t believe you can achieve them then what is the point in setting it, constantly pushing back progress to be achieved. I thought I could wait to save, do it all right, and for now I can enjoy life. I realized that is all a steaming plate of shit.

If you aren’t actively living like the person who you can be then you will never get there. Fake it til you make it is one of my mother’s favorite sayings because she taught us confidence by never truly having it for herself. The fact that I was operating in an I will do it later mindset disgusts me personally.

This was a wake up in the form of a personal spit in the face. Why do I not live to my highest standards, constantly pushing myself to becoming and constantly wanting more from myself.  The reason the thought of a child scared me is because I haven’t yet become the man who believes he is the man. No longer will I wade in the waters of I will do it later.

“Become the individual that refuses to see duties undone. The person that lives like there is no tomorrow because there very well might not be.” – David Goggins

I solidified this choice with an action. I shaved my head.

Time to put the work in and one thing I’m over is caring what’s on my head. It begins again. As it always will. This is just the most recent realization and moment of life giving me the gift of a fuck moment or four. My life has been full of these moments and I plan on harvesting.

P.S. The pregnancy was due to my partners health complications, but the lesson stands the same.