“Outrage & Justice… These are my virtues and my power is megaphone. My ability allows me to express my opinion without any interruption. This allows me to stop the wrong doings around me. For this I am proud.” Standing at the balcony of her patio in a dusky city Karen proclaims.
“Damn! Karen scaring the shit outta me girl!” Rick spinning around as he passes under Karen’s patio. Rick is walking to work and its Friday evening. Rick continues screaming up to Karen,“You know I hate being scared! “Apologize! Now!”
Karen rolls her eyes, peers over and with a heavy breath and a slight remorse in her eyes she exclaims, “Sorry Rick!”
Rick thanks Karen and continues onto work. He thinks to himself that he knows she does this every friday night, but damn she is loud. Rick is one of the bartenders that works at one of the clubs the Karen bounces for.
Yes, Karen is the sole bouncer for two night clubs on Friday and Saturday nights for nearly a decade. Rick laments that the type of men she can casually throw out the door tower over him like sky scrapers. The head bartender at the Blue Club he is an artist when it comes to mixology and Karen will only get drinks from him.
“When I met Karen she took a drink from a bartender I used to work with… Anyway the moment her lips hit the liquid in the cup she rippled it from her face crushing the glass into a powder. Her hand wasn’t even bleeding!”
So I walk over to her and say, “look he doesn’t know the art of mixology… what can I get you?” Instantly putting his finger up Rick says emphatically, “No actually stay quiet and brooding, I will surprise you with your perfect drink.” Rick pauses for dramatic effect locking eyes with Karen, leans in and says, “If you don’t like it you can throw me out the window.” Winking at Karen Rick’s hands start moving with such rhythmic speed they become a blur and from the steam emitting from the friction of his hand slicing oxygen molecules in the air appearing beyond the steam a vibrant green drink. Rick clears his throat, “this is an alien.”
Karen inspects the drink, smells its contents and gently picking up the glass begins to sip as her eyes continue locked on Rick.
Rick stoic and unflinching with his eyes closed in a confident bliss is snatched by his collar by Karen. She pulls him in and whispers, “excellent.”
Karen has loved Rick since. She protects his bar like he is family. Even though Karen doesn’t neglect the Red Club next door but clearly enjoys spending time at Rick’s Bar.
This is the only side by side club built to mirror each other’s design with the only thing being different is the color differences. The clubs are owned by a single owner and because of Karen’s reputation in the neighborhood and that she enjoyed good drinks he took a gamble on her. Offering her a job at both clubs where she can do whatever she needs to do to protect the customers. In her first night she was able to track down every single predatory creature. The owner of the clubs over a few weeks realized she doesn’t take breaks and doesn’t seem to eat and doesn’t drink alcohol. The drinks she gets are non-alcoholic. She will order one after each time she has to man handle people out. Karen won’t take payment so instead the owner pays for Karens tab at her favorite market and will often give her money saying tips. The owner finds his loop holes.
“Anyway enough of all that because today’s shift was something spectacular!” Rick says after shaking his head dispersing the reminiscing about Karen.
“Once I got into work and shook the scare Karen gave me I got right to prepping my lab… well bar, but I feel like Im doing alchemy.” Rick lost in his thoughts.
The night began normal the bar was well stocked, freshly kegged and so clean you can literally lick any of it. Karen strolls in as she passes my bar she pulls a white glove out of her pocket, dawns it sliding her finger across the bar counter. “Inspecting the finger tip Karen grins at me like thats her job and Im a good boi…. Nope!” Rick continues, I skipped my happy ass over to her and said “No you didn’t just check my work!” Karen chuckles and walks away like Tom Cruise walks away from explosions.
The night begins as we open the doors and the door boys survey IDs. Karen is posted up on her favorite stool in the corner of the room and at the end of the bar is her nook. She wedges her broad shoulders into that corner wearing an all matte black jumpsuit with BOUNCER in bold neon white letters both on her chest and butt like some juicy sweats. Both are bedazzled due to yours truly.
Menacing and with a slight smirk Karen waits like a lion spectating on a group of gazelle.
Some nights Karen sits there and waits til her spider like sense will trigger and she will disappear into the crowd like smoke from a douchebag’s vape pen. She will then emerge from the crowd this time separating them like the red sea as she drags a delinquent from the property.
Tonight started slow and Karen was just chilling with me at the end of the bar as I am doing some dishes. Munching away on two protein bars at once Karen suddenly vanishes dropping both remaining chunks of the protein bars on the counter. Rick picks them up puts them in a cup and turns the remaining into a shake for Karen after she deals with whatever. Seconds after Karen vanished like the thunder after lightning striking I hear a man scream like a scared chihuahua. I then see Karen casually walking out of the bathroom with a man easily 6’6 and 350 pounds over her right shoulder. His hands and ankles bound with zip ties, a visible chunk of his underwear above his belt due to a wedgie she assigned him. Waiting outside was a literal cop car and two cops waiting with the back door open. Casually leaning against the car they are smiling as Karen fists bumps them both, throws the douche in the back and shuts the door.
“Hey Karen!” One of the Officer’s exclaimed. “Thanks for the help, but what happened to his pants? And the zip ties on both hand and ankles?”
Karen turns around, as she was already walking away as if forgetting her wallet turns saying, “Right my mistake, this man was in the process of assaulting a lady tonight. Both sets of limbs are restrained because he became violent when I interrupted his fun. As he spun around with his pants at his ankles and luckily for me still undies on dashed at me with the knife he was threatening the lady with. After administering a throat punch I disarmed him while placing the knife in a baggie.” As Karen hands over the baggie with the knife she continued. “Next I restrained his hands, sweeping his feet and as he spun mid air I snared his feet. I hide zip ties in some fake tiles in the bathroom. After he was restrained I pulled his pants up and proceeded to have the young lady pull his undies as hard as possible. A lot of underwear was fished so it may be a mess down there. I then scooped up the punk placed him on my shoulder and helped the young lady up. She is sitting in the employee room with the door locked so she can feel safe for a moment. I told her that I will go with her to the station for a statement and to her court cases if she needs it.”
The Officers thank Karen as they jot everything down in their note pads for their report. Sporting a crisp high five to the head officer Karen came back inside.
Karen sat down seeing a beautiful shake with whipped cream. Staring up at me she said, “did you make this from the remaining protein bars?”
“Indeed I did!” I proclaimed as she guzzled down the whole drink in seconds. Burping for what seemed like a while Karen says, “Thank you.”
Karen made her way back to the employee room knocking softly as the door cracks open and the lady lets Karen in. A few minutes later Karen walks the lady out and to her car.
Karen comes back and sits down. “How did you know that lady was in danger?” I had to know because a spider sense isn’t real I think to myself. Karen looks up at me and smiles, “There are panic buttons all around the club that notify my phone, so from my watch I can dictate which button was pressed.”
“Karen that’s impressive! Im surprised the owner paid for it.” I exclaimed as she then retorted, “not after I explained how it would aid in these kinds of situations; also Im the only bouncer so its necessary.”
I do want to be clear not all the problems happen on the Blue side, but I can only tell you what I see and there is plenty of times Karen is dealing over there in the Red.
Matter of fact my Blue Bar is the best in town because my drinks are works of art. So that’s that. Plenty of other crazy stories with Karen around. I will say though I have never felt more safe at work.
As the night wrapped up I started to clean my bar up as people trickled out. This is Karen’s favorite time because as the lights turn on and flood out brawls can spark out of nowhere. This night was one of those nights… Or mornings I suppose?
Anywhoooooo…
Here’s…
What…
Had…
Went…
Down!
Last call was called and about 30 minutes later the fluorescent lights jolt on and like vampires hit by sunlight all these night clubbers scurry outside. In the mad dash as if target opened it’s doors on black friday people begin to panic like at music festival.
I am not passing out in a crowd again Rick thinks to himself getting flashbacks. Continuing to clean behind his bar the tension in the club grows as these clubbers are growing more restless from the direct fluorescent light. Karen felt this and made her way to the DJ booth were she can have a bird’s eye view. Shoving ensues as people are mushed out the single door like lemons in my press. The single door is part of a larger barn like garage door so Karen standing on the DJ booth now seeing the panic jumps off grabbing the chain that will lift up the larger door. Springing up like Michael Jordan Karen grabs the chain swinging over to the stuffed crowd casserole. The momentum of her swinging quickly hoists the garage door open as she descends gracefully like Indiana Jones. Landing hero pose in front of the crowd of people as they spill out onto the side walk. People begin to get up off each other cursing away beginning to fight. Karen chuckles cracking her knuckles looks at Rick and mouths to him, “Record this shit.”
I brought out my phone and taped it to the bar so I could continue cleaning as I enjoy the show.
Most of these drunks are yelling at each other because either the men are mad that their shoes are dirty and the ladies concerned about the status of their hair. It begins as one man slugs another which lit the powder keg of a brawl.
As if I was watching a John Wick movie Karen snaps out two collapsable batons as she sprints through the crowd only bodying the instigators.
Barreling down the endless corridor of people Karen ducks left dodging a man with a beer bottle swiftly breaking it with her head and disabling the mans legs as he tumbles to the ground. Shaking the glass out of her curly hair Karen continuing to sprint dips right barely missing another mans large fist; springing up she is met by two towering figures… A man 6’8 and built like a hockey player and beside him is his girlfriend a stacked 5’11 bodybuilder. Karen peering up at them sweating, an etched scowl in her brow and two bloody batons she lifts her hand signaling them to make the first move. The hockey player clasps his hands together making a wrecking ball of his hands as he rockets them down from orbit toward Karen. At the same time the girlfriend squares up squats, rotates and hurls a left hook body shot to Karen’s torso.
I closed my eyes as I couldn’t see Karen get wrecked.
I slowly open my eyes and my jaw dropped onto my immaculately scrubbed bar floor to see Karen in a perfect horse pose with her wide tree trunk legs as a base. She simply crossed her arms above her taking the full impact of the hockey player and completely absorbing the body shot. As if the couple hit a brick wall they both fall to the floor in shock with pain ringing through their bodies like sound through a tuning fork. Brushing it off like nothing Karen sprints on laying people out left and right. Skidding to a stop with a huge smile on her face, head tilted to the sky and having run all the way through the group it begins to rain. Opening her mouth wide Karen allows the rain to quench her thirst as she turns slowly to inspect her work.
It was dead silent…
I had been polishing the same wine glass for this later half of the fight and was captivated by the scene. Like right out of a movie there is Karen in her all black track suit, sporting two batons and breathing heavy with a sinister grin of satisfaction upon her face. The rain pours down on everyone and for a moment all we all heard was the rain. In that brief moment Karen scans for any stragglers who may indeed want some more. Sirens begin to sound in the distance as the cops are on their way. Karen satisfied collapses her batons, stands up from her feral fighting stance and exhales slowly.
Light cascaded down from the street lights, as more light breaches the distance from head lights of many cop cars. The rain is coming down so hard that the light seems trapped in a lit cone from the refraction of the street lamps light. Karen begins walking back towards the bar.
With her cup full of satisfaction Karen saunters back to her stool. As she sits Rick picks up a tray from under the bar and placed it in front of her. Karen’s eye widen with joy… “what?!”
“I had some of your favorites delivered as you were mid brawl,” Rick explains.
“I know you are hungry after all that,” Rick says as Karen violently eats.
Karen then suddenly stops and looks up from her plate, “did you record it?”
“Yes, Indeed I Did!” Rick happily states as he slides his phone to her. Karen props the phone on her water glass and gleefully watches her performance.
With a mouth full of food Karen says, “look at me go!”
Rick looks up and smiles as police officers start to walk it taking statements. Rick thinks to himself, Karen really knows how to show up.
Next Time On…
Mr. Sods 
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