“Outrage & Justice… These are my virtues and my power is megaphone. My ability allows me to express my opinion without any interruption.…” Karen belts from her balcony when Ken from under neither her balcony screaming up, “Oh Shut The Muff Up Karen!”
Karen slowly peers over the side looking down whispering under her breath, “no no no not Ken.” Peaking over Karen exclaims sarcastically, “Ken, I thought that was you!”
“Did you come to get your ass kicked or is there more to your visit?” Karen stares down hoping he just walks away.
“Is that any way to greet your brother! Now buzz me the muff in.” Ken laments as he smacks his well crafted muffin top of a gut. “You know I love me a good pun in the mornin.” Ken states as he laughs at his own joke.
“Ha.” Sporting a curtesy laugh Karen rolls her eyes backs away from the side of the balcony and hit the intercom….
Buuuuuuzzzzzzzzzzz….
“Thank you!” Ken says as he drags the last nugget of his cigar and tosses the butt to the floor stomping it out.
Approaching Karen’s apartment Ken hears prehistoric sounds and heavy metal music. Slowly pushing the door open as the grungy low tones of the singer sends vibrations through Ken’s gut.
Extending his arm sllllooooowwwllllyyyy…
Stepping into Karen’s apartment Ken is swiftly attacked from above. Two massive birds start a coordinated attack as they fly by Ken’s head barely grassing him as they smack the back of his head with their wings…
Swoop…
Whack!
Swoop…
Whack!
Swoop…
Whack!
Swoop…
Whack!
“Dang Birds!!!” Ken yelps!
The birds circling Ken as he begins to become enraged swatting at them in the room as Karen laughs in the corner on her recliner.
“You like what I taught them Ken? Only when you visit.” Karen states as she deviously cackles.
Ken throws himself back onto Karens couch as Karen is now in the kitchen opens the refrigerator yelling, “heads up,” as she throws a beer bottle like a ninja star. Ken without looking grabs the bottle mid air, pops the top with his thumb, spins the bottle like a tornado and tips it up as it drains into his keg like body. Erupting with a large belch Ken’s eyes widen as he reads, “non-alchoholic?!”
“Why!” Ken frantically asking as if he just drank poison. “When did this happen?” Ken questions.
Karen simply says, “had to stop.”
“What have you been up to Karen?” Ken asks breaking the awkward silence.
“Same,” Karen plainly states.
“Well I am here for a competition,” Ken says fishing for questions. Yet he is met with silence as Karen is in the other room.
Running to the other room Ken says, “don’t you care what my competition is?”
“Wrestling, you are the state champ in the underground world of professional wrestling.” Karen again states plainly as she walks to another room.
Running back into the living room Ken stammering, “W-w-wait wait you already know?”
“Yes, I know.” Karen states almost annoyed at the question.
“I have seem every one of your competitions and I have notes.” Karen stares down her brother.
“We have much to do before your next competition.”
“Your form is terrible, your moves are boring and you have no flair.” Without skipping a breath.
“Have you forgotten all the fighting I taught you? Who would have thought I would share so much DNA with someone so weak.” Karen sharply exhales out steam from her nose like a wound up bull.
Breaking the silence with a large belch as Ken takes the second beer bottle he just guzzled breaking it over his head. “Then train me!”
Karen without breaking eye contact says, “very good.”
“Clean that glass up and meet me down stairs.” Karen makes her way to her room and emerges in her all black track suit that she wears bouncing at the clubs she works at. Throwing a matching pair at her brother and says, “put these on idiot.”
The cloths cover his face and after emerging from the bathroom the tracksuit fits perfectly. Seems like they are truly related with that barrel like shape to the duo.
Catching a glimpse in windows of the building bellow Ken notices a bedazzled Bouncer on his ass, “What’s this shizz?!”
“You didn’t bring anything under the radar did you Ken?” Karen asks rhetorically.
“Tonight we goto my work and you help me bounce, I want to see what you got and then tomorrow morning we train for three days straight til your competition.” Karen holds her hand out for a powerful forearm handshake like their viking blood magnetically calls for.
Ken reaches out clasping as lightning strikes the background.
Ken blinking his eyes from the glory of the handshake…
Ken thinks to himself… “Next thing I know Karen has taken off running full speed to the club. Standing there Ken reflects back on when they met. See we didn’t grow up together actually we met in our twenties after we both discovered our Dad had separate families. Once we met there was no doubt we are related. The only real difference is Karen has long hair otherwise it is as if our respective Mom’s genes had nothing to do with us. Its as if his DNA over wrote all we got paternally.” Snapping back into reality Ken takes off after Karen.
Standing at the door of the Blue Club staring down at her watch is Karen. Panting Ken turns the corner and is nearly heaving with his hands on his knees and says, “made it!”
“Barely.” Karen jolts.
Ken then observes how Karen walks inside and gives out her crisp fist bumps to all her fellow security members and staff.
Ken thinking to himself, “it’s amazing to see how so many people have such respect for your sister and because we look nearly identical many thought I was her.”
“These damn bedazzled pants!” Ken says in frustration.
Karen is in the corner and waves Ken over. As Ken approaches Karen points to the corner sausage fingers to the V.I.P lounge where the neighboring lounge booths have “crews” that are about brawl. Since Karen is technically off tonight these “crews” think they are safe to fight at this club.
Karen grabs Ken’s should and says, “up ahead are six men total, they are rival gangs three for each side who are in rivalry in the neughborhood, they all have knives and because you look like me they won’t hesitate to take you out together.” Handing over her batons to Ken he simply shakes his head and smiles.
Out of his pockets are two steel brass covered knuckles. “Say hello to my little friends.” Ken states and walks over. Brandishing brass knuckles on his hands Ken pulls out a brush from his pocket and strokes his beard as he approaches the raging men. “Gentlemen, what appears to be the problem?”
Ken is met with silence and glares.
Until one of the men feeling frisky cocks back a fist and rockets it into Ken’s face. As Ken briefly stops brushing his beard and chuckles.
“Now that you have landed the first blow it will be seen by the rest as self defense.” Ken says as he stands unfazed by the seeming lethal punch.
Gently pushing the fist from his face he continues brushing his beard and says, “two choices gents, you….” The music being so loud the men only saw that the man unfazed from a heavy punch is now talking, but no one can hear anyone over the house music. Though as to give him the final respect of finishing his sentence five of the six men lunge at Ken the moment his jaw stopped moving.
Karen stands above the DJ booth eating two protein bars at the same time back to back as she watches what her brother does now. Ken throws his beard brush up to Karen and winks at her.
Karen observing from above begins to analyze the fight, “Ken drops into a boxing stance and as his body begins bouncing side to side, hands are locked in just under his eye sockets and fist gripping into the brass knuckles as they fuse with his skin. Dashing forward at the five men attacking him at once, Ken weaves between each one leaving single and precise hooks to their livers. Dancing around them landing blows in spots meant to shut the body down. Next thing Ken knows five men are passed out on the floor when the sixth stands from the booth, finishes a bottle and axe throws it at Ken. I stand up ready to jump in when…”
As the bottle spins time slows and Ken is mapping his course to victory. Just before the bottle reaches Ken; he strikes the bottle with his forehead and dashes at the sixth man.
“Impressive.” Karen begins to think to herself. “The last one is no joke, he is easily 6’5 and 300 pounds. The man lumbers over my brother like a skyscraper. I must have blinked and next thing I know my brother has this man in the air like mario holding bowser above him as he casually carries the man outside as to not damage the club…. How considerate.” Karen concludes her thoughts and follows to a better vantage point on the roof.
Ken then places the man down and resumes his fighting stance and it looks like Ken wants to brawl and show off.
“Goood gosh that man is heavy!” Ken thinks to himself with a mental pat on the back. “I can see my sister is still watching from the roof so I may as well give her a show.” Ginning Ken walks up to the man hopping around like a rabbit.
This large man lumbers up and begins to throw hooks, hammer fists and stomps down on Ken. Ken is simply humming a sailors tune and dodging each and every strike from the giant.
Karen continues analyzing, “Ken is tiring him out by dodging everything and its working. Big man is tired.” Karen’s eyes widen as she wipes the now pouring rain from her eyes and sees, “Ken is moving very fast much like Mike Tyson in his prime Ken isn’t moving from a small radius around the large man. Ken now leans, pivots and launches power shot after power shot as this giant man begins to be chopped down by Ken like a well sharpened axe into a vast redwood tree.” Karen falls silent in thought as she enjoys the show.
Ken dismantles the man til he is out cold on the ground in a diluted puddle of his own blood and rain. Holding his hands out opened palms to the sky washes down his knuckles. Placing them into his pockets as a police vehicle pulls up. Karen hit one of the panic buttons on the way out so the cops were on their way.
“Karen!… Oh wait you have a beard… buuttt you are wearing Karen’s Cloths?” The two cops stumble over their words.
Karen swings down from the roof on a grappling hook. Landing in a hero pose Karen stands and addresses the police, “Officers.” Shaking their hands both men are baffled. “This is my brother Ken. He took care of this man.” Karen fills in the officers.
“Oh very good! So thats what you would look like with a long beard huh?” One Officer states as Karen glares.
The other Officer punches his partner and says, “lets get this big guy in the car.”
Ken lets out a large belch as he has acquired and finished two beers.
“When did you get those?” Karen states annoyed.
“They were big guys and he wasn’t drinking them. Plus I earned them,” Ken says chuckling.
Karen and Ken walk inside to the Blue Bar and greet Rick who has whipped up a fancy non-alcoholic drink for Karen and a triple shot drink for Ken called The Hellraiser as Rick lights it on fire. Without anytime Ken pounds it back, wipes the flames from his face smashing the glass and saying, “Another!” Rick smiles and does.
Rick slides the goblet of booze over and says, “break this one and I break you.” Walking away.
“Otherwise enjoy!” Rick spins his head around sassy and says.
Ken leans over to Karen and says, “I see why he is your friend.” Karen smiles faintly and nods.
As Ken enjoys his second drink Karen leans over and says, “Enjoy this while you can because where we go next will get you into the shape you need to be in.”
“From tonight til your competition for three days we will do nothing but eat, sleep and train at the warehouse.” Karen gets up and walks out of the bar.
Next Time On….
Mr. Sods 
One thought on “Karen the Vigilante: Ken”